My Spy: The umpteenth entry in the dead-horse kids-and-tough-guys genre is a kindergarten cop-out
By Linda Barnard
Rating: C-
The kid is cute. Thanks to her, the brawny guy discovers he has a heart.
Borrowing from every kid-comedy Hollywood has churned out about a precocious moppet (this one played quite pleasingly by Big Little Lies’ Chloe Coleman) who teaches a tough guy a few life lessons after he’s been busted down to a menial job, there’s not an original thought to be had in My Spy.
Screenwriters Erich Hoeber and Jon Hoeber (The Meg, Battleship) even admit as much by having a character joke about the movie-house familiarity of a key scene.
Chloe Coleman and Dave Bautista: We feel like we’ve seen this before, and before that, and before that…
Acknowledgement doesn’t bring forgiveness.
Directed by Peter Segal (Get Smart) My Spy isn’t worth investigating, except for the always-satisfying game of spot the location as Toronto stands in for Washington, Chicago and even Paris, thanks to a CGI Eiffel Tower off Front St. Zut alors!
Former WWE champion grappler Dave Bautista has previously shown some comic chops as the over-sharing alien Drax the Destroyer in the Guardians of the Galaxy and Avengers franchises. He seems to have lost much of his screen mojo in trading the latex body suit for street clothes as CIA field agent Jason Jones.
Known as JJ, he’s a bullet-headed, tattooed hulk and crack spy who gets the job done by doing things his way. When he messes up an assignment, his boss (Ken Jeong) punishes him with a softball surveillance job: installing hidden cameras to stake out an apartment where widowed nurse Kate (Parisa Fitz-Henley) lives with nine-year-old daughter, Sophie (Coleman). They’re American ex-pats newly returned from Paris, leaving some unhappy history behind them, including Sophie’s arms-dealing uncle.
JJ is newly teamed with tech support expert Bobbi (Kristen Schaal) to monitor the stakeout from an apartment beside Kate’s. If Bobbi seems to be crushing on her big lug partner, her adoration is more about his spy skills than bulging biceps.
They’re also the least competent spooks on the payroll. They’re quickly busted by Sophie, who demands JJ teach her all his spy-craft tricks in exchange for her silence about their operation, sealing the deal with a pinkie promise.
Schaal delivers the comic goods as a jealous wannabe operative who can’t believe she’s been passed over for elite training for a fifth grader.
Sophie is lonely and struggling to fit in at her new school. She finds gruff JJ handy for helping her navigate skating rink bullies and schoolyard mean girls.
Typical of the uneven storytelling here, no idea sticks around for long. Learning the spy game soon takes a backseat to matchmaking for Sophie. Perhaps her relentless push for a romance between JJ and her mom will yield results.
There’s no blood in the explosive violence of My Spy. But for a family comedy there is a disturbing amount of dark humour, including calling pint-sized bullies “bitch” and gags about killing kids.
Originally slated to open in 2019, My Spy jumped to an April 17 release in the U.S. to take advantage of the opening slot vacated by 007 thriller No Time to Die due to COVOD-19 concerns. Canadian audiences still get their My Spy fix March 13.
From Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Kindergarten Cop to Vin Diesel as The Pacifier, it’s all been done before. Self-assured kid actor Coleman and the always-funny Schaal give My Spy some personality, but can we please retire this worn-out idea?
Bautista may not view coming reviews as constructive criticism. Earlier this month, he called out a Twitter user who voiced weariness that “every muscle bound action movie star” seems bent on remaking Kindergarten Cop. “What an ignorant thing to say. Anyway, enjoy being a judgmental prick,” Bautista shot back.
Guess he’s not an Arnold fan.
My Spy: Directed by Peter Segal. Starring Chloe Coleman, Dave Bautista, Ken Jeong, Kristen Schaal and Parisa Fitz-Henley. Opens March 13 across Canada.